I must confess that this September 11th truth business drives me nuts. The sheer number of outrageous questions this controlled demolition idea calls to mind blows me away. I suspect “truthers” can’t see the forest for the trees. They say that truth is stranger than fiction, but in this case, I can’t imagine any fiction in which this conspiracy idea is even remotely plausible. I tried to envision how a planning conversation must have gone. Something straight out of Dr. Strangelove I imagine …
Dark Shadowy Person: Here’s what we’re going to do, Mr. President, we’re going to send a team of highly trained demolitions experts into the twin towers and building 7—
President: Why buildin’ 7?
DSP: Let’s stay focused, Mr. President. We send a team in and they’ll wire the buildings with explosives, like they do with controlled demoliti—
President: How long will that take?
DSP: About a week, sir. Maybe two. Give or take—
President: How many guys will it take to do that?
DSP: We’re going to send them in in teams of thirty. They’ll be wearing fat suits filled with thermite, sir.
President: Won’t someone notice ‘em?
DSP: No sir. It will be done at night during the security guards’ lunch breaks. Also, the fat suits will be painted to look like decorative shrubberies to avoid detection.
President: Oh, yeah. That’s clever.
DSP: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Now, once they’re done wiring the buildings to explode—
President: Another question…
DSP: Yes sir?
President: Why is it so important to do this controlled demolition business? Why not just jam a whole lot of explosives in the basement like that … that other fella did back—
DSP: We can’t very well have two of the biggest buildings in the world falling sideways, now can we sir? Someone might get hurt. No. They must fall straight down and that’s not going to happen with a bomb in the basement. Plus, I’ve got a condo not far from there and I don’t want one of those damn towers accidentally falling on it. I’ve finally got my living room arranged just how I like it. I can watch TV without too much glare from the window.
President: Ah, yeah, well that’s hard to achieve. I’ve got a TV in the oval office and—
DSP: Let’s stay focused, shall we sir?
DSP: That’s quite all right, sir. Now once the buildings are ready for the day, we hijack four planes, you see—
President: Planes? Now I’m confused.
DSP: Planes. We’re going to fly planes into the buildings, sir.
President: That’s smart thinkin’! Uhhh. …wait … why?
DSP: So no one will know we blew it up, sir.
President: Can’t we just say they blew it up?
DSP: Who, sir?
President: The uh, you know. Iraqis.
DSP: We’re not blaming the Iraqis, we’re blaming Bin Ladin.
President: But I don’t want to invade the Bin Laden’s, whoever they are, I want to invade—
DRP: TRY TO KEEP UP, SIR! PLEASE!
President: Now look, you don’t have to raise your voi—
DSP: I’m sorry, sir. I’m under a lot of pressure, as you might imagine.
President: That’s alright.
DSP: Now, we hijack four planes and we fly the civilians aboard those planes somewhere else and then we fly other planes—
President: You’ve lost me again. What other planes?
DSP: Our planes!
President: What about them other folks? The civilians aboard the first planes? What about their planes?
DSP: We’ll shoot them in a field and bury their bodies and dump their planes at sea or something.
President: Why not just crash their planes into the buildins.
DSP: Well we’re not savages are we, sir?
President: No siree. We’re Christians!
DSP: Yes. And praise Jesus, sir. Now, we crash the planes into the buildings—
President: Wait. Don’t you only need three planes? Towers one and two and buildin’ seven.
DSP: We’re not crashing a plane into building seven, sir. The other two planes are for the Pentagon and a field in Penns—
President: Oh right. Gotcha. Now it makes sense. Go on …
DSP: We set off the explosives a few hours after the planes crash into towers one and two, the buildings tumble down, there is much destruction (but not too much), and suddenly the public is outraged and in the mood to invade Iraq.
President: But you just said we’re not blamin Iraq—
DSP: It won’t matter, sir. The American public won’t know the difference.
President: Why are we blowin’ the buildins up again? Won’t the plane crashes get the same net result, whether the buildins collapse or not?
DSP: Sir, the twin towers are a blight on the New York skyline. It’s a matter of taste.
President: I don’t know. I kind of like them. This seems like a lot of trouble. Can’t we just have someone shoot me in the leg or somethin’? Call it an assassination attempt and blame it on the Iraqis? I don’t mind takin’ one for the team.
DSP: We’re not blaming the Iraqis, sir, that’s the genius of this plan. And no, we can’t shoot you.
President: Why not?
DSP: We’ve shot a president before, we don’t want anyone getting suspicious.
President: Oh, yeah. Right. Well, this sounds like a good plan. Better than my nucular bomb idea, anyway. Let’s do it!
DSP: Yes, sir. Right away sir.