Weird Emails I’ve Sent to Staff, Part 1

Posted by In: Life and Other BS, Writing 1 Comment

For my day job, I’m the IT guy at a public middle school and let me let you in on a little secret: teachers make the worst students. They don’t turn things in on time, don’t follow directions, and many of them think that ignorance of the rules are a perfectly fine excuse for breaking them. Why, just this morning I asked one of them where his laptop was and he said his dog ate it! One of my early frustrations with the job was that the only practical way to communicate with the entire staff was through email, but many of them simply wouldn’t read emails, at least not one from the IT guy. Since I refused to run the halls like Paul Revere, screaming out the latest technology news, I had to find a way to get them to read my communications and I found that weird humor worked admirably. Before, only about ten percent of the staff read my emails. Now, that percentage has almost doubled!

For posterity’s sake, and at the urging of some of my teachers, I’ve decided to post random tidbits of those emails that I still have access to and that (hopefully) won’t get me fired. I’ve edited them to make contextual sense:


(In preparation for Hurricane Harvey) Make sure you power down and unplug all equipment in your room. Also, please do not leave raw meat sitting out during the hurricane. We don’t want a repeat of 2015’s shark infestation!

Every year about this time (September / October) I start working on my resume because I don’t think I can take another minute of this. Don’t worry, it’s just a phase. Needless to say, I’m behind. The Ches-to-staff ratio is roughly 1:137 and while I’m flattered you think one of me is worth 137 of you, It’s actually more like 40, tops.

As always, please let me know if you have any questions. I may not always have answers, but I can always offer a hearty laugh …

At you.

Not with you.

(When the network was excruciatingly slow) Due to Harvey related cost cutting, the district has replaced it’s network administrators with a bunch of sloths. However, the sloths insist that the internet is working perfectly fine. “Never faster!” they say, so there’s really no telling how long this will go on.

In order to earn extra money for the holidays, I’ve decided to turn our laptop carts (pictured right) into student-drawn carriages offering romantic sunset tours of our neighborhood at the reasonable rate of $20 an hour. I’d like to use football players if the coaches will allow it in lieu of practice, but smaller, non-athletic kids in teams of two or three might work just as well. The great thing about middle school kids is that they’ll work for candy. Granted, none of our students can match the strength and endurance of a horse, but they also don’t poop on the street or eat grass.

Most of them, anyway.

If you’re getting a Adobe Flash error when you try to enroll in your benefits online, it means your benefits have been rescinded. Sorry.

Here’s the part of the year (August) where I sweat profusely and cry in fits and starts. Plus, there’s the queen mother of all flies in my office tormenting me to no end. I want so very much to kill it, but I just can’t catch the %$#@*&^ thing.

(Regarding our school wide broadcast featuring announcements and the Pledge of Allegiance) The 2016-2017 season of The Morning Show promises to be a spectacle of visual and auditory delights! Not satisfied with the boring old hand-over-heart pledge every morning,  Our broadcast journalism teacher has arranged for slightly-past-their-prime celebrities to lead us in this most glorious of school traditions—Cher, Steven Seagal, Pauly Shore, Goldie Hawn, Joe Pesci, David Hasselhoff, and many more—all while our principal shoots canons off the roof of the school and the rodeo trail riders surround the campus wearing red, white, and blue sequined cowboy hats and carrying patriotic flags on long golden poles. Those who do not present the The Morning Show in their classrooms will be required to clean up after the horses.

If anyone needs technology training, I’m always available to point and laugh at you. Seriously, I am available to meet with teams, departments, and/or dark magic cabals for further training, if necessary. We can meet in my office or I can go to your meetings. Just let me know ahead of time and we can schedule something. This also applies to anything else you think I might be able to help you with such as the key differences between Star Wars and Star Trek, the complexities of the DC comic book universe, or how to get sweet, sweet revenge on your enemies with nothing but a sock full of nickels and really good running shoes.

If you can’t log in to guest wifi, it’s because you’re not welcome here.



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